365 days of free writing for 30 minutes, Day 5

Goddammit.

I had a busy day last week, and I completely spaced my daily writing workshop. The next day I got mad at myself but vowed to do my writing that day. Well, here we are 5 days later.

I think my slip-ups compound when I get mad that I made a mistake. That anger scares me, so I avoid it instead. Is that because my ego is too big?

"According to Freud's psychoanalytic theory, the id is the primitive and instinctual part of the mind that contains sexual and aggressive drives and hidden memories, the super-ego operates as a moral conscience, and the ego is the realistic part that mediates between the desires of the id and the super-ego." - a semi reputable source

Actually, if we're going to talk ego and get all Freudian, it's looking more like id is the problem. When I fuck up once, I feel like I rationalize the fuck up and move past it with self-compassion, but now that I'm looking at patterns of my own behavior that probably stemmed from childhood (thanks Freud), I'm pretty sure that every time I do a fuck up I hold a grudge against myself. Then, as the fuck ups compound, the grudge gets angrier and angrier until I can't hold it down any longer and I sink into a depression because 30 fuck ups are a lot more difficult to deal with than going over one at a time.

Hm, that was quite insightful actually. I think that's what I'm struggling with right now, and this writing workshop just happened to be the perfect example to highlight that I'm procrastinating dealing with my mistakes in most aspects of my life because I'm scared to accept that I'm flawed. AYO! THERE IT IS!

I had a quote on the wall of my last bedroom that was something like "Thinking you're too important makes you slow and heavy. In order to stay light and fluid, you need to remember that you're small and insignificant." That's definitely not the exact quote, but it's something along those lines.

I have a tendency to start big, heavy projects like this one. I'm going to write for 30 minutes every day for a whole year! Woo! I feel like things are pointless if they're not huge and significant. I want to keep doing this writing workshop because I already feel like it's helping me be more open to ideas and look for inspiration throughout the day to write about, but I think I need to take some of the pressure off.

If I miss a day, I miss a day. That doesn't mean I can't write 365 days total...that's the trick. WHEN DID I SAY 'CONSECUTIVE,' NOT ONCE! Fuck it, I could take 100 days off and hop back on and still achieve my goal. As long as I write 365 of these by the time I die, mission accomplished.